My confidence is coming back. I can feel it. The light that once cracked through the dark clouds has made them completely dissipate. I feel the light on my face. It feels so good to feel so normal again. I wake up everyday with hope. I’ve put the past in the past – I’ve moved on. I am living wholeheartedly in the present, and loving every second. I am excited about the possibilities the future holds.
But, with my new found hope and confidence, I fear I’m letting go of what got me to this place…
When I encountered the storm that wrecked my ship, there was a natural reflex to hold on to God for dear life. It really was a life and death situation. I needed him. He was my life raft. If it weren’t for Him, I don’t even want to think about where I would be right now. I clung to him for security in every area of my life. I depended on Him like never before. And, for the little girl who’s first full sentence was I’ll do it myself, complete dependence was a big deal.
I’ve always found pride in my ability to take care of myself or do whatever task is at hand myself. Delegation was never a strength and could be down right painful sometimes. But, when the perfect storm hit, all of that self-dependence went right out the window and my debilitated state made me realize how much I needed God. It was sobering at first, but surprisingly, it became a relief to finally surrender to Him. It was a forced surrender, but a surrender nonetheless.
Now I’ve adjusted to the new normal of my new life, the need for God doesn’t seem as necessary. Is it okay to admit that?
God, I’m good again – I got this. I can do this myself. You can now go back to your supporting role in the script of my life.
See, this is exactly what I didn’t want to happen. After everything I’ve been through, I never imagined going back to the self-reliant, independent person I used to be. Here’s what I know:
If my God-reliance doesn’t transition from a reflex to intentional…the gravitational pull will have me right back where I started.
I can’t… I won’t let that happen.
Maybe it’s a new season in our relationship though? It’s almost as if He’s gone from carrying me, to walking beside me. We’re doing this together. He’s still with me. I can still hold tight to his hand, but maybe I don’t need to hold on as tightly as I had to in the last season. Now I can just thread my fingers in His and enjoy His presence without all the drama.
The relationship can take on a new dynamic… one that’s focused on joy, laughter, peace and vulnerable friendship. But, just as any other human relationship, it’s going to have to be intentional. Whatever plant you water will grow, right?
So, today I will make my public declaration of intentional dependence on the God I will rely on in the midst of the storm, in the aftermath, and even more so, when the sun shines again.